Find it back for me, please.

I was chatting with mingzhen just now after finishing a round of interviewing tgt and an intensive meeting. When I realised one very sad fact, ok. I realised, all along, I’ve been this mature, over-logical, over-thinking, cynical self. And I didn’t change at all over the years, except to become more of everything that I’ve mentioned previously.

Can you imagine?

That from a tender age of 15 yrs old, I am able to think things in a much deeper level than what normal 15 yrs old can do? I didn’t experience before the joy of committing a mistake or to rebel against someone with authority just because “I feel like it”. I don’t have wild stories of my own to share with each other people when they’re talking and looking back on the foolish things they’ve done when they were young and insensible. Zilch. I have none of those.

I can tell you, I’m the kind who will tell myself to stay away from a few classmates of mine just because I know that with them, my studies is going to deteoriate and I won’t be able to do as well as I should be able to. I’m that kind lor! And that’s why I don’t have much friends in my own class, and I can’t blame them really. To them, I’m just this little snob who care nothing but studies. School is never about the CCA, or the fun or anything like that. School is a place for me to outshine other people, to make sure I top the next Chinese or Biology paper again. And again, and again. I can be quite heartless one, come to think of it.

Yes, I am totally that kind. From a very young age, I can think very clearly and properly what I want in life. Like, I know O lvls are important and I won’t risk anything to jeopardise it. To the extent I totally MIA from my CCA since the start of my sec4 year ok! And when my CCA teacher called me, (cos I was actually the Vice President then!) I actually got the guts to tell her that I don’t have time for CCA, I want to concentrate on my studies. The gall of me! In a way, yes, I’m mature in my thinking for my age, but now as I’m older and even more mature than before, even more mature than most people I know of my own age, I looked back at my secondary school years, and I regret why didn’t I make a few silly mistakes then? Why didn’t I let my hair down and just forget about exams once and really just have fun? But I know even if I turn back the clock, I can’t do it. Because thats who I am. I can’t go and do something that’s wrong when I already know it is! There’s just no way I can bring myself to do that.

All I can blame on is my thinking, my character. Nothing else.

I am rigid and boring like that. But I wouldn’t advise youngsters to follow in my footsteps. Make some mistakes! Go on! Its ok to make mistakes now, but NEVER ok to make mistakes when you’re older. Thats one huge privilege of being young. And that’s also one privilege that’s going to go away sooner than you think.